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Untitled.

She was Detroit skinny…Detroit smart…Detroit sharp. She took her brain and heart for a run every single day…miles and miles…couple of hours.. She was the human species…the other fellow human species gave her migraine all the time….you see they kept pointing at their wrists while asking for the time….pathetic…the lover she had from the human species…always dipped in her bowl…yet they were eating the same food… Disgusting… Her generation was criticised my the old fellas from the human species…forgetting they brought her up you know….many a time she had to siphon words…from her male human species lover….tedious… She liked the ketchup plain vicious.. But they kept diluting it in the funny places they called cafés.. She used some gadget she called a phone…but the species she called pals…never replies to her texts..she lost relevance ….she had definitely lost relevance… Her morale slowly drained in the sewer…and I could do anything about it…
I’m just this guy reciting the conceited passion. I’m just…whatever my name was….
*©Cappa J 2018*

HAAZ II

continuation.. So i propose….do your worst…have me think about…you all the time…have me get confused as I tred down the side walk…have me kick bucket…..oh just to be sure; a KFC chicken bucket…out of thoughts of course….what did you do to me huh? I gave myself a week…or rather a fortnight… To get over you…but you’re still a brain worm…wriggling in my meninges many a time…I cannot grasp the works of the surrounding….you made me a walking dummy…and to think that I can’t have you…I couldn’t have you even if you were not mine from the beginning… It’s like a dog dancing to a suspended bone…salivating … Frustrated… We were never on the same page…and even if we were…you were a title…I was just the blurb I guess…you took life way from me…I don’t even yearn for fun anymore…you closed a huge chapter in my life and you don’t even know it…but what does life offer anyway…religion…education…hurt…I feel pale…anxious about everything….a mention of your name and I perspire…you’re like an adrenaline injection…but I’m still Jules… and you’re still….whatever your name was… ™CAPPA 2018

A LETTER TO MY BRAIN.

O Darly brain. Don’t I love you!! Will you be my Valentine?…Confession…I rely on you to validate me…many a time I have tortured you with paranoia and a million thoughts…diseased you with crimes of passion when I over think…but you never leave…you stay… You stick around…you are so good….so reliable…even selfless to a nauseating degree..
Brain…babe…at times I feel you deserve someone else…someone worthy of worshipping you…someone worthy…of paying a attention to you…and not your rival…the heart.
O brain..you’re so ridiculously massive…to give yourself such a ridiculously small and boring name of course…you’re so attractive…your sight always beckons my eyes… At times you anger me though…like when you kill my dreams…clip my wings when I perch to fly…or you slit my plantar ligaments when i get ready to leap….I won’t complain much…brain …babe…you helped me write this… One more complaint maybe?? At times…
Instead of facing my emotions… I act out… I actually feel so bad we have nothing in common… We are like the dead…they have nothing in common…oh they do…death is common to the dead… I’m envious that you’re in control of everything that I do.. Yet I give you accommodation and I carry you with me everywhere I go…a little thanks maybe???

*IAmZaCappaJules2018*

IMPERFECT STRANGERS.

Once upon a time we used complete each others sentences… Everything seemed so fine… Our emotions were like hell fire…..it seemed like we had the same eyes….because we never saw anything differently… So tell me… Why don’t you call anymore… Tell me… Why you are so unreal….you enclosed me in the tanks of darkness….. ..i couldn’t even breath in the amidst of hurt and conjunctivitis…. Have you ever stepped on a wet spot after wearing socks?? Have you ever… Held out your hands to a child and they pulled away…
Have you ever…. Called your dog by its name and it went to someone else… A stranger for that matter…. I have worked on my looks a million times… But it feels like its charred every single time I see because… You don’t recognise me…. It’s like trying to swallow a ball of pricks…
It’s like getting carried away from peeling the skin off my pinky finger…
It’s like… Suffocation in a cruel obsession called love… And there’s nothing one can do about it…..it’s like you train yourself not to see the good in me every time… Every time I ever cared you disappeared into the depths of yourself…..and I was so blatantly sick and blinded by my pursuits… Knowing that I was not good enough… I’ll never be good enough… And I wish I could just go numb… My thoughts… You know… say nothing for a time…..just run my fingertips along this edge of the human-shaped emptiness is slowly creeping inside me… If hurt was a choice you wouldn’t get hurt even if you wanted to…
Or maybe if you did… You’d bleed… Elegantly… Like the rich do.
*IMPERFECT STRANGERS*
*Cappa Jules 2018*

Haaz.

I was perfect… You were perfect… We were perfect… We were little benign pimples… But you grew and became a boil…. We were little… Growths…. But you grew and became a cancer…. We were little flues easily manageable… But again you grew… To become the dreadful ugly tuberculosis…you changed…. You had given me remedy and great relief… But then you took it all away… Rendering me very prone… To hurt… To tears… To puffy eyes… To a broken heart… I felt like swallowing cement…. To be honest… I still do… To plaster my broken and shredded heart…..you see you’re the conniving kind… The kind that pretends to solve a problem.. But instead… You only solve the symptoms… Hence giving time for the problem to make an advancement… Away from our vicinity of course… You see you’ll pretend to drown… Then pull the one trying to save you down with you……you see I feel like a dog… A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself….. That shows you unconditional love…. they say…..
To be continued…
*Haaz*
*©Cappa Jules 2018*

ESCAPE.

So what if she actually told you that you are one in a million Huh?
Did she explain it to you?
Maybe you are a virus in a million of her leukocytes… Struggling to fit in the healthy environs within her bodily functions…. But of course you are blind and you couldn’t see that… You are actually a poison…thats what she means… And of course she has soldiers that fight back… Her feelings give her closure…. As she reminds herself over and over again it is all an act… You’re a waiting bay… And you’re still too blind to see that…
You get from home from work and her dopamine levels rise up knowing that she has to listen to your day’s bravado shenanigans… You’re still too blind to see that….
She cared for you… But you pulled away and disappeared into yourself many a time… She stuck around wounded by the mistrust….if you knew her the way you think you do… You’d bet on her and live to tell a love story….. But still… You’re still to blind to realize that she encourages you all the time… To go to game night at your friends… And you come back finding the house Spic and span…she now wears low cut blouses when she goes out… And not your shirts… The relationship has become too good.. And you’re still too blind to see that.. She feels trapped and powerless in your boredom… You betrayed her and she didn’t say a word about it… And now she’s cheating….to retaliate …her hatred for you has become so profound… She calls in sick daily… You give her an aspirin… And leave her to sleep… She tells you goodnight… And tells him good morning…to be continued.
*Escape*
*Cappa Jules 2018*

Mania.

What about us?
I am the girl at the corner of our class. I am the girl with the glasses. I am the girl who gets left behind trying to catch up with the mysteries of loneliness.
I am the girl who’ll spill your milkshake in the cafeteria… Not because I hate you… Not because I loathe you… But it’s because I am always unutterably deep in insurmountable thoughts… Consoled by the episodes of schizophrenia… Yes… We still exist… Struggling to exist… Struggling to settle In this cruel world… Lame, crippled and shattered in our insides….So what about us…
But of course… You prefer the girl with the bent right leg… The like with the claws… The like who don’t pee when they visit the ladies room… They pose to take photos… On mirrors. The ones who perch their lips like some type of inflamed insanity…. You don’t know us well enough… To get through our quiet storms… And of course… You’re always around offering advice where it wasn’t even requested … We hate it when you pity us… It makes us feel pathetic… We are always crying… Not because we are sad… We only want to empty our reserves… You know…If we knew why we felt the way we did, we could try to fix it…actually.. We are cursed with the infernal actions from your judgement
… Disregarded and forgotten..
So tell me… What about us?

Making up for lost senses.

Take it all. Take my wealth… Take my health… Take it all. I’ve seen you do it before… Heck it’s becoming tedious to my sight… But still take it all. Take my friends… And have them tell you of my darkest secrets… Take them all… You see…I’m not from your world… I don’t dress like I’m from your world… Heck I don’t even look like I’m from your world… I don’t wanna be in your world. ..where snakes shed their skin very easily… Take my stories… Take my books and fan them all over your face…. You know… might bring you back to your senses… Take them all… But still… I will live to tell the story… I will not step on you.. You’re a snake capable of fanging my poor ankles… Take it all… Take my memories… Take them all… Actually they haunt me all the time damn it… Take all my shattered pieces… Take them all… See if you can clay them back and make a vase for the flowers you’ll get her take them all…take my ugly truths and turn them your pretty little lies…take them all….
I will only ask for a favour…
Leave my name. Take everything else… But leave my name.
*in my feelings*
*Cappa Jules 2018*

In my feelings.

I think I love death… Given a chance I’d wish for it every single day…. Every single minute… Every single second that I breathe…. In death is peace…. No responsibility… No love… No heartbreak… No studies…. No thoughts…. No paranoia…. Just death…..
I envy the dead….
Man I’m so damn jealous…. That they get so much attention than even the ones not living…. I mean… It’s a free ride…in your own hearse… And of course they escort you like some body guards… …. Alone…. In your own coffin…. You don’t have to ask for space…. Everything has been done for you… They’ve cleaned your body… They’ve shaved your hair… And of course have made you not stink… Clipped your nails… … Made you a three piece suit… I’m jealous…
They have people give them flowers…. All my life…. I have had no guy give me flowers…. Only the thorns…. Of a rose…. The pricks that you’ve given my heart… I even don’t know why I am alive right now…. At least if I’m dead I would have your attention..
It’s like a thorn in my soft flesh… Looking at you not look at me like you used to… At least even turn your head?? … Like you did…. It’s like a piece of speck in my eye…
At least dead people get a priests attention… At least dead people have people from all over come to see them laid to rest… Actually they have no choice…
Listening to you say… That you don’t love me..like you used to.. . It’s like a bee drowning in its own honey… Tell me… How does it feel when you have a choice? How does it feel when you have to rub it to my face that you can’t, won’t, will never, love me again…. How does it feel seeing me swallow hard because I’m dumbfounded… How does it feel when you make me weak from my knees…. How?
At least dead people are told…. I loved you… We loved you… At least dead people have people write their story… And least dead people have people cry for them…they have people remember them… At least the day they died??
Dead people have people talk about them.. Don’t they?
*In my feelings😓*
*Cappa Jules 2018*

Dear human
Don’t get too excited as im coming for your soul
You think the dead get favoured,trust me its a big No.
All those nice things they say to you because you will be gone
Truth is they love it when you are a ghost.
There is someone at your job because you died
Someone married your lover why,you died
A new baby boy came because you died
Thank you is what the living say when you died.
IM DEATH
I will take you the day i love
You will never have enough
Life make sure you live as i never exist
I make sure you die like you never exist.
Im the bridge between heaven and hell but mostly hell.
R.I.P
Are you sure you love me?

Masufuria.

Oh death…. Make me a ghost…
One with melanin… For that matter….. I don’t wanna be a sissy white ghost… Yes I do love you… Believe me… Make me a sooty smoky black ghost.. I want to haunt him for all eternity… I want to pitch and discolour his chimney… You know… I want to choke him with confusion… The dead are dead… The living are just so absolute like a pile of contradictions..
At least as a ghost I’ll monitor my love… I will be omnipresent… Take me…not the day you love but now…

Cappa

The wounded healer. Epi 2

Dear diary,

Day 362..

Out of fear we developed religion. And various belief systems to comfort us. I don’t know how you will take it, but I believe our names come with our ideas. It’s how we brand ourselves that creates a screenshot on most of the brains carried by those we meet mostly on a daily basis.

This might amuse you but of late I’ve met with men who are like unicorns… Psst. Should I visit a urinal see if they piss rainbows or what?

Enough with my imaginative weird chronicles.

THE WOUNDED HEALER epi 2.

“Clara, downstairs! I’m leaving.”

“Pa, I’ll take the school bus! “

“Damn the school bus. Do my pockets look like mints to you?! Don’t forget to take out the trash!”

These were one of my best mornings where my step father and I only exchanged a few words for breakfast…… He was a mean old mister…… I was only nineteen and everytime we ever talked… Or rather his mere presence in my life made me sing Carrie Underwood’s Blown away in my head. I’d gained an earworm kind of obsession for the song… Like some kind of hymn in my mental golden bells or something. Most of the times my step dad used to ignore me,,, and woe if he had a bad day he’d explode at me for no reason.. He was abusive and his involvement in my discipline as his “daughter” (ps-he always quoted that on my face) made him have rigid expectations,,, low empathy and an anger style of *power assertive* He always said that he was so glad he hadn’t taken part in my conception…that such decisions he would not make so long after sunset… or so far from dawn… Or ever in his life…

Anyway… Today the fuss was about trash … I’d been like the family scapegoat… Or blacksheep.. Or whatever… I was blamed for everything including the ozone layer…. The rain… His fart…. Name it.

All along I had acted as the “surrogate mother” when my own mother had gone to work… My innocence had been taken away a long time ago.

In some ways we were like an ordinary family… When my step dad was not around… Mum, I and the Volvo in the drive..

In other ways we weren’t so ordinary… Like when he unravelled his wrath… It was like an injection… Didn’t he ever like…. Get tired on twisting his eyebrows and making his fat moustache dance all the time… during the episodes of insults of course…. Damn the guy had a PhD in insults.

My mother (crippled) had only wanted a father figure…. And bills paid… Many a time I could witness tears form in her sunken eyes…like a rising watertable in an oasis of a network of eye capillaries …and maybe I felt a little for her… But not enough to make any difference… I suffer pain… But it is said… We all have pain…. Some it is physical… Some it is mental… Either out of injuries… Or living with the loss of a loved one. We fight or succumb to it. But if you think about it. .the results are the same…

Cappa Jules 2018